So you're a pasty, skinny little guy whose greatest moment of ass-badness is when you made level 12 in EverQuest? Chances are, someday, somebody's going to want to kill you, and you are most likely going to die a horribly embarrassing death. However, with my incredible Guide to Winning in Fights, when you're in the hospital you can be satisfied with the knowledge that you've at least greatly inconvenienced your attacker.
I've been in quite a few fights in my time, because I'm like all of you. There will be some point in your life where you think you're smarter than everybody else, and you feel compelled to let people know this. Naturally, most people are so impressed and your incredible smartitude that they will immediately throw themselves naked at your feet, but occasionally, there will be a dissenting voice, often this voice will cast aspersions on your heterosexuality, the purity of your grandmother, and the size of whatever genitalia you possess. At some point, your arguments with this outstanding individual may result in a call to fisticuffs, at which point you're probably irreparably fucked. You've got, at this point, several options. You could run like hell, only that's not really covered in my guide. Look for the next one, entitled deadkings guide to Running like Hell and Crying Yourself to Sleep, by the way, you're Going to Die a Virgin." Your best option in this case is to find some sort of weapon. As you were unlucky enough to get in a fight, you probably don't have the fortune to find a weapon, so your next option is hand-to-hand combat. Finally, if you're going to get in a fight, you might as well look cool while you're at it.
On Melee Combat:
First off, you're going to need to have/find a weapon. Since most states don't allow you to arm yourselves, your best option is to find the nearest blunt object. What you want is something that can be wielded, has a good balance, and is either very, very hard, or very, very sharp. Typically, you also want it to be inanimate Many of these can be found conveniently in the background of any street fight. However, there will also be many things lying around that are NOT good weapons.
Essentially, once you have a weapon, you know how to use it. Sure, there are many different schools that teach increasingly esoteric art forms, but you just want to plant the thing in the other guy's face, so the only thing you really need is leverage.
Now that you've got some sort of weapon, now you need to use it to ruin the other guy's day. Since you're a pasty little internet geek, you should put aside any notions of flying into a berserk rage and destroying your enemies, for you have little hope of ever seeing the lamentations of their women. Mostly, what you want to do is temporarily incapacitate them so that you can make your dramatic escape, and thereby get back to dying of old age. With any luck, use of the following combinations can quickly turn the fight in your favor.
Weapon to other guy's Face:
This technique is very basic. What you want to do is take the business end of your weapon, and smash it mercilessly across or into the other guy's face, preferably right across the teeth or his eyes.
Pros: Even if you don't win the fight, at least you can bleed to death knowing the other guy won't be so pretty anymore. Also, a good blow to the head can sometimes win a fight outright, or daze him enough where you can knock him a shot to the jimmy and run.
Cons: You're probably not going to connect. There's some sort of natural response in people to block or otherwise avoid anything coming directly at their faces, and despite your incredible eye-hand coordination from playing games/masturbating, you may not overcome this natural instinct.
Weapon to other guy's Midsection:
This is a good, standard blow. Try to come in from the side and give him a good whack as if you were trying to hit a homerun with his liver. If it helps, you can envision yourself as a 10th level barbarian with a mighty weapon and he's an orc or something, just as long as you hit the bastard really, really hard.
Pros: You stand a good chance of connecting with this one, and if you're lucky, you'll knock the wind out of him, so that he can't do the same thing to you.
Cons: This is usually reserved for longer brawls, which means that while you're whacking away at him, he's whacking away at you, and you can't have that because then you won't be pretty for the prom.
Weapon to other guy's crotch:
A dirty, underhanded tactic, but one that works. This one works like a golf swing, and you want to hit him so hard that he coughs up his testicles and, as he writhes around on the ground, he can have a short conversation with them, consisting of "Man, do we hurt" and he'll reply with, "I fucking know that already."
Pros: What? You just nailed the guy in the balls! Isn't that fucking obvious enough for you?
Cons: When he gets up, MAN is he going to be pissed.
Weapon to your face:
I developed this technique, and I've had great luck with it. Keep your knees apart, stay on the balls of your feet, and thwack yourself in the face with your own weapon. Repeat as necessary. Keep yelling "STOP HITTING ME DADDY."
Pros: The other guy will be so confused by your unorthodox attack that he may be off-balance, or he'll run away in abject fear.
Cons: Man oh Man, do I like cheese.
On Melee Combat:
Oh man, are you screwed. Without a weapon, it's down to individual strength and martial prowess, where you will most likely be totally outclassed. The best thing to do is put an Alka-Seltzer tab in your mouth, fall to the ground, and fake a seizure. Otherwise, get ready to have your ass handed to you. Though, if you're lucky, the following maneuvers could keep you conscious until you can go home to weep like a sad, sad schoolgirl.
 "Bertha" attack:
This one's good if you're a fat greasy slob. Raise your arms, and let out your best Wookiee noise. Rush forward and try to bowl over your opponent with your prodigious weight. If you knock him down, do not get up: instead, flail around like a beached whale, and try to crush him. If nothing else, you can demoralize him; flatulence is never a bad choice here.
Pros: Any lardass can pull this off, and since a lot of people make the mistake of "physical fitness," your work-free gut gives you an instant weight advantage.
Cons: My God, you're a fatass fatty. I mean, look at you. You've just knocked some poor guy down and you're crushing him with your fatness, while making beached-whale noises. Nobody really wins here, except the people laughing at both of you.
Palm Strike to nose:
Pull your masturbating arm back. Pull your palm up to a 90 degree angle relative to your forearm (Palm outward, otherwise you'll break your hand and look like even more of an idiot). Bend your fingers in at the outer two joints so that you don't make a fist. Then, pound the fucker in the face with the bony part at the bottom of your palm until your arm gets tired. Make cool kung-fu noises.
Pros: Getting hit with this hurts; even the weakest person could eventually viciously stun his opponent.
Cons: If you miss, you're going to get punched in the face, which will cause you to roll around on the ground and cry.
Forward kick to throat:
You're going to quickly plant your foot in the other guy's throat really hard, and this will knock him out, and you will win the fight, and cure cancer. In theory, at least.
Pros: From firsthand experience, getting kicked in the throat really, really, REALLY hurts. Unless the other guy is absolutely hell-bent on killing you, successfully pulling this move off can greatly discourage his continuing the fight.
Cons: Good thing you got that black belt in Karate. Oh wait, you didn't. In reality, you probably can't get your foot up that high. In such a case, use the following.
Botched Forward Kick to throat:
Can't kick above your waist? Fair enough. Bring your knee up to your chest as if you were stomping on somebody's foot. Then, stomp on the guy's foot. The best way to do this is start at his knee, and scrape your shoe down his shin, coming down hard where his shin and foot meet.
Pros: This causes dislocations and crippling pain, and will almost always nullify any of his ideas about blocking. At this point, you can keep your foot on his to keep him still, then you can wail on his face and look cool doing so.
Cons: Oh shit, the guy you did this to just happens to be a shaolin monk, and he ignores the pain of his dislocated foot. And now he has shoved his hand through your sternum and ripped your heart out. Shit.
Begin dancing:
Pull your hat down, pose dramatically, and then moonwalk. Immediately, music will begin playing, and your opponent will begin irresistibly dancing. If they don't start dancing, turn into a robot with laser shooting arms.
Pros: They will explode after they dance for a while, and you can go save all the children and your monkey.
Cons: Applying good vinyl siding can be just the extra shine you need to make your house presentable.
On Melee Combat:
Since you now know what you're doing in a fight, you might as well look really cool doing so, so that you impress people so much that someday they will make the sex with you. Most of this is wardrobe. While you can't change clothes immediately when the fight breaks out, this guide assumes that you dress in order to be ready for a fight.
Finally, assuming you can master the simple techniques I've given you, you'll want to add a little personal flair whilst kicking ass. Taunting can work wonders, it can build your confidence and reduce your opponent to a blubbering pile of despair.
Good taunts could, for example, suggest that your opponent is, in actuality, a member of the opposite sex. You could also proclaim yourself to be your opponent's previously unknown parent. However, whatever you do, fight back the urge to masturbate furiously over your fallen opponent. If they find any traces of semen, then you've got rape charges to deal with and nobody likes that.
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