In a world forever perplexed and obsessed with celebrity and other harbingers of media idiocy i.e the runaway bride; no one shone quite as bright as Michael Jackson as he now officially glows in the dark without the aid of sticking him in front of a 500 watt light bulb for five minutes as this would melt the skin that has been super glued to his face.
Everything about him screamed Mike Tyson, Howard Hughes, OJ Simpson and the whole damn freaky beast roll call times a hundred. No ad nauseum here. It is most definitely whacked and more than likely substantial and unmitigated proof that life does exist on other planets and only lives here. It would be to no shock to no one if it was revealed that Steven Spielberg created Jackson as his own personal toy which later and not unlike Frankenstein rebelled against its maker and began terrorizing the greater Los Angeles area while the child star Jackson was in fact shipped off to Malaysia and has been living not unlike our future president Tom Hanks did in that de facto prime piece of ego "Cast Away."
Unfortunately as is evolution the one that comes before is always replaced by the one that comes after and Jackson had best put to bed his Martian morals and love of all things elephantitis and ivory white for the second coming is indeed upon us. Grinning like some sick hyena on April Fools day in carnivore country, former everything that best represented the America of Ronald Reagan's poor brain and sub par performer Tom Cruise scooped up the jackass mantle as it was falling from the head of the former King of Poop. Scaring anyone within thinking distance with his creepy creepiness and diatribes on how anyone without Scientology in their life is condemned to that religions version of Hell (See Battlefield Earth). Cruise has been epileptically seizuring from talk show to talk show promoting not only his upcoming summer film but also a fine argument for intense shock therapy followed by a frontal lobe lobotomy.
How this marble headed pickle brain went from likable to genuinely disturbing must lie somewhere inside his new relationship/publicity ploy/train wreck/a wonderful disguise to hide the fact that I am quite possibly quite homosexual with cardboard imitator and female twin Katie Holmes. As she towers at least a foot over his munchkin frame, Holmes looks like that deer that has the headlight problem and will not for the life of herself move as Cruise looks up at her (with a determination and single mindedness that would scare Jim Jones) proclaims to everyone that is forced to listen that this is his "woman" and most unbelievable of all that he "admires her talent."
The smallest amount of research would show that Holmes most substantial work to date was on the teen age syrup fest "Dawsons Creek" and any other research beyond that would easily reveal that Cruise only watched that show to relieve the James Van Der Beek jones in his bone. With his blindingly white teeth which were in no doubt bought from Michael Jackson, Cruise the consummate salesman has even hypnotized a practicing Catholic into jumping ship to the questionable "faith" of Scientology. A substantial void has been filled here though. That void being one of the manufactured idiot that displays their personal life the way used car salesmen try and pawn off a straight up turd. Everybody's listening but is anybody buying? Sure they are, and you could have caught them yesterday outside of a Los Angeles courtroom crying tears of happiness as the gloved one got off on charges of getting off before returning home to their dozens of cats and stacks of Us Weekly so they could continue to feed the beast.